THE NEW OFFICIAL SITE HAS LAUNCHED... www.thefootballmonologues.com

I am open to any ideas or suggestions that you may have because I am just learning this whole html thang!

IF THE GLOVE FITS...

OJ Simpson is reportedly writing a ficticious hypothetical book about his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson's murder for $3.5 million, according to the National Enquirer. I know it is not the most reliable news source in the world but they claim that he is naming the book "If I did it" and is discussing how it would have went down had he really committed the crime. I dont know if this is gonna be a "How to" book but I guess in his mind any PR is good PR.

NIK'S HOT PICKS OF THE WEEK

Liquor before Beer

Jaguars over Texans

Jets over Lions

Cardinals over Raiders

Colts over Redskins

Eagles over the Bucs

Broncos over the Browns

Seahawks over Vikings

Beer before Liquor

Patriots over the Bills

Dolphins over the Packers

Falcons over the Steelers

Cowboys over Giants

Chargers over the Chiefs

Bengals over Carolina Panthers

** Monologues are not responsible for any financial losses that may result from relying on these picks of the week

SO FRESH AND SO CLEAN CLEAN

Freshen up on your week 7 NFL knowledge...

• The Packers have lost to 7 of their last 8 AFC opponents
• The first and last time Falcons QB Michael Vick played against the Steelers he completed a career-high 24 passes and tied in 2002 (last NFL tie)
• New England has won 5 straight and 10 of 11 against Buffalo... good luck McGuru
• The Cardinals lead the league in first quarter points with 59
• The Broncos have scored just 62 points in 5 games, tied for second-fewest in NFL
• The Giants and Cowboys are tied for fourth in the NFL in rushing- This is the hot game of the week!!!

UPSET OF THE WEEK

McGuru had his first good week last week with Tennessee over Washington. However not every week can be the week of upsets so lets see if our guru can start a winning streak with Buffalo over New England. This is certainly not impossible. Division games are always intense and can produce unexpected results. Buffalo will have to Billeave.

FOOTBALL 101- TIMING IS EVERYTHING

A typical football game is divided into 15-minute quarters. However, games usually last about three hours because the game-clock which displays the amount of time left in each quarter (in seconds) is stopped many times in the game for various reasons (a team scores, someone goes out of bounds, a receiver drops the ball, injury, timeout, etc). The quarter ends when the game-clock counts down to zero, though any play still unfolding when the clock finishes will be seen until its completion.

After the first two quarters of the game there is a 12-minute intermission called the "halftime." This is when you go to the bathroom, grab the chips, walk the dogs, and least importantly, this is when the players get a chance to rest and enjoy the painkillers.

Unlike the end of other quarters, the end of the second quarter (i.e. the end of the half) signifies a 'semi-restart' of the game. Normally when a regular quarter ends, the game-clock is reset and the next play continues as if there was never an official break in the game.

However, after the halftime a new kickoff begins the third quarter. Whichever team received the ball in the first kickoff of the game will now be kicking the ball. Each half is like its own mini game. The teams timeouts get replenished and the teams switch sides on the field so that their the endzones they defend now become the opponent's endzone.

THE BARBERSHOP

Tiki Barber, who leads the NFL in rushing with 533 yards has got NY Giants fans going crazy with his recent talk of retirement. Barber, who is leaning towards retiring after this season says "I've been considering it for a few years now. It comes a point where your body just doesn't want to to take it anymore. I'm excited about the rest of my life..."

Although he has done well for me this fantasy football season, as a true Eagles fan i must say... Make Like A Tree and Get The Hell Out Of Here!!!

SCOOP, SCOOP BA DOOP

While celebrities are nothing new to Monday Night Football, (John Lennon back in the day, Charles Barkley, Jamie Foxx and so on...) next week is when the PR stunt is expected to get interesting. Monday night, the 23rd, the Cowboys will play the Giants and actress Sanaa Lathan will be the lucky one to chat with ESPN announcers during the game. I wonder how she got that gig? Rumored girlfriend of Terrell Owens better spill the gossip during next week's broadcast or else there is just simply no point in her making an appearance. Somehow i dont think "boxers or briefs??" is gonna be the hot topic of the night.

WOAH THERE... WOOOOOAHHHH THERE

Caption this contest... who can come up with a classic name for this photo?!

FANTASY FOOTBALL NEWS

• Looks like Shaun Alexander might miss more games than expected. Although his x-ray showed great healing in his ankle yesterday, Alexander can be expected to ride the bench against Minnesota this coming Sunday. The team is now estimating that he will miss perhaps 2 more weeks.
• The NFL trading deadline is today at 4pm, Oakland is 0-5, Moss has just 17 catches and has pulled that T.O. potty mouth on both his coaches and his teammates. Will moves be made??
• Curtis Martin will remain on the physically-unable-to-perform list until at least after the Jets game against Cleveland in two weeks.

BEARS OFF TO THEIR BEST START IN 20 YEARS

Going into last night's game I thought for sure that Leinert was going to pull off this huge win against Chicago seeing as how this was the week of NFL upsets!! Before the game started my brother had mentioned that he needed Rex Grossman to do well if he is gonna win his fantasy football game this week. We then went on to discuss how I needed the Bears defense to help me win both of my leagues and that it shouldnt be a problem considering how well the Bears D have been playing lately.

"I've never played so bad and won a game like that," said the Bears quarterback, who threw four interceptions and lost two fumbles. "It was unbelievable."

So you can imagine with -6 fantasy points for Rex Grossman how the night turned out for my brother... not good! As for me, the fantasy gods were on my side in the second half when the defense decided to score two touchdowns with a third TD from the punt return. Neil Rackers is kicking himself (hopefully not too hard) as he thinks about his game-losing missed field goal. I am now 5-1 in both of my fantasy football leagues... huge comeback from last season where i sat in last place all season long!!!

Do these guys not have people coordinating their outfits? I can see why the old guy wants to wear a hot pink tie... it's trendy and it would look good if he wasn't standing next to a closet that threw up. I dont dig the blue sport coat and thats probably why I am being harsh on Troy. Standing alone these men may look fine, but does nobody at Fox realize how horribly they clash?

WINLESS NO MORE

This was truly the week of upsets as Oakland is now the only team in the NFL that has not picked up a W. The Guru has picked up his first win of the season with Tennessee beating Washington at home and the Ravens saw their first loss as Carolina stormed in for their fourth straight win. The Eagles had fans on the edge of their seat until they had to eat a 12 men on the field penalty which basically hammered the nail into their coffin against New Orelans. The Detroit Lions picked up their first win against the Buffalo Bills as Roy Willians had 10 receptions for 161 yards- both career highs. The Tampa Bay Bucs conquered the Cincinnati Bengals in the last 35 seconds of the game. The touchdown reception was initially ruled incomplete but was overturned by the replay that showed Clayton firmly catching the ball as he soared through the air. TO got his chance to gloat on the Dallas star with 3 TD's against against the Houston Texans.

So, who is rootin for the Cardinals?

FUNNIEST NON-FOOTBALL RELATED PICTURE OF THE WEEK

NIKS HOT PICKS OF THE WEEK

Paying 400 a ticket to see Madonna- totally worth it

Cincinatti over Tampa Bay

Dallas over Houston

Eagles over New Orleans

San Diego over San Fran
Denver over Oakland
Chicago over Arizona

Paying 200 a ticket to see Barbara Streisand- could be worth it

Buffalo over Detroit

Baltimore over Carolina

Seattle over St. Louis

Paying 50 bucks to see American Idol in concert- I personally would pay way more than that but i assume most readers here think this is the same as throwing money away

Washington over Tennessee

Pittsburgh over Kansas City

Jets over Miami

Giants over Atlanta

WEEK 6 STUDY SESSION

Here are some water cooler conversation starters or as George Costanza prefers: coffee machine conversation starters:

• The Houston Texans are one of two teams the Cowboys have never beaten. The Ravens are the other.
• Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick has just 15 fewer rushing yards than Tiki Barber.
• Titans RB Travis Henry's 123 yards last week nearly doubled the team's previous season high. Wow, the Titans kinda suck.
• The Eagles lead the NFL with 23 sacks, including 7 against the Cowboys last week.
• The Bengals have not beaten Tampa Bay since 1989.
• Chiefs QB in for Trent Green, Damon Huard, was named offensive player of the week. My husband put him in this week in fantasy football, pure luck!
• The Broncos have won 12 straight regular season games at home, which is tied with Seattle for the longest streak in the NFL.

WAS IT (HAYNES)WORTH IT?

NASHVILLE, TN—Defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, suspended five games by the NFL for stomping on the head and kicking the face of Cowboys center Andre Gurode last Sunday, issued a statement this morning saying he "just wanted to make absolutely sure [Gurode] was dead for good." "The Titans pay me to do one thing out there—kill anyone who gets in my way," said Haynesworth, who is serving the longest suspension for on-field actions in league history for his attempted murder. "Doing a thorough job is just good fundamentals… On your first day of high-school ball, they tell you football's no more than blocking, tackling, and bodily assault with the intent to commit homicide." League officials have suggested that Haynesworth's suspension also include anger-management therapy and a refresher course in the rules and principles of football.

quoted from www.TheOnion.com

TUNED IN

Fox pulled in a 13.9 national rating (22.1 million viewers) for Sunday's TO bowl between the Cowboys and the Eagles. That was higher than NBC's Sunday night primetime game between San Diego and Pittsburgh, and second only to "Grey's Anatomy" for the week.

I must say, I love that Grey's is still first!

FOOTBALL 101- THE SCREEN PASS

When the quarterback steps up to the center and prepares to start the play, he has a lot of work to do. His first job is to look at which defensive players are on the field and where they are, and try to deduce what the defense is going to try to do. He may see signs that the defense is lined up perfectly to stop his play. In this case, the quarterback will call out an "audible." He will shout out code words that tell the other players on his team that he is changing the play.

If the defense is rushing at him with great success and causing him a lot of problems, the quarterback will use several screen passes to slow them down. In the screen pass, a couple of the offensive linemen will pull away from the line and run out to one side of the field. The running back will also run to that same side of the field, perhaps ten feet behind the offensive linemen. Because the two linemen pulled, there is an unprotected path to the quarterback and there will almost certainly be a couple of drooling defensive linemen running at the quarterback, visions of ambulances dancing in their heads.

The quarterback's job is to backpedal as quickly as he can, drawing these two linemen and hopefully a linebacker or two in his direction. Just a fraction of a second before they can hit him, the quarterback will toss the ball to the waiting running back, who can now lumber up the field with 700 pounds of offensive linemen in front of him to protect him. This play, if executed well, will often go for a 15 to 30 yard gain, which is a big black eye for the defense. After a couple of these plays, when the defensive linemen break through the offensive line they will hesitate and look to their sides to see if they are being tricked. So the screen pass is a useful tool to slow down the the defensive line.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

I think McGuru has officially resorted to aiming for a winless season. He is going into week 6 with 5 losses; will he succeed? This week's pick is Tennessee over Washington. If this game was in Tennessee I would say that maybe McGuru has a chance of picking up his first win... but the Redskins at home? That might be asking a little too much. This is my own personal suicide pool; if I'd been betting on McGuru's upsets of the week I would want to kill myself by now.

Let me know what you think this week's upset of the week is... maybe I will start auditioning for next year's McGuru.

PA Bar Results come out today so my productivity is non-existent... check back later this afternoon for new posts.

LEEE- TOE

Lito Sheppard, from the Philadelphia Eagles defense, had his second career 100+ yard interception return for a touchdown making him the only player in NFL history to accomplish that.

Go Birds!

FOOTBALL 101- SPECIAL EDITION

Football 101 is usually reserved for the thursday spot but I heard something last night that sparked the need for a week 5 Special Edition. Last night my mom's friend informed me that while my mom was watching the Eagles game she inquired about the purpose of a field goal. At first I laughed and wondered how she lived with my dad for 25 years without knowing what a field goal was, but then i realized this may be a common question amongst women across America.

This reminds me of the day when i found out what the blue line was in professional hockey... changed my whole perspective.

THE FIELD GOAL: So the basic premise of defensive football is to stop the opposition from collecting first downs. Their goal is to prevent the opposition from gaining 10 yards and to force them to punt, getting the ball back for the offense. If the defense cannot stop a team from moving the football down the field, then their next task is to keep the opposition out of the end zone. A field goal is worth only 3 points, where as a touchdown is worth 6 points (plus one extra pt- totaling 7). If the offense is gettin close to scoring but cannot seem to get the touchdown on the first 3 downs (attempts), the next best option on 4th down, instead of punting the ball away, is to go for a 3 point field goal to at least put some points on the board.

Field goals become even more important during overtime. The first team to score in overtime wins. So all a team needs to do is get far enough down the field to put the kicker in a good position to snag those 3 game-winning points.

Stay tuned on thursday for Football 101- The Screen Pass.

FANTASY FOOTBALL FLAVA

The New England Patriots signed former Eagles wide receiver Jabar Gaffney yesterday. He will be filling a desperate void on the New England offense and is therefore someone to think about if your wide receiver slot is hurting, but keep in mind he has not been on any team's roster for the first 5 weeks of the NFL season. As an Eagles fan I like that other teams are digging through our dirty laundry to try and strengthen their team mid-season.

Watch out for any offensive fantasy football player on the Arizona Cardinals, except for maybe Neil Rackers. Pro bowl receiver Larry Fitzgerald will not play for 2-5 weeks due to a hamstring injury. With their offense losing their number 1, we can expect Matt Leinert, Antwon Boldin, and Edgerrin James to be hurting this week as well. Just something to keep in mind.

THE BUFFALO JILL'S

You may remember a week or so back I mentioned the professional Cheerleader competition? Yes, it really does exist. The picture above is one of the winners of this week's competition. Her opponents were cheerleaders from Minnesota, Houston, and Philadelphia.

The first event was the 100 yard football relay race and the Buffalo babes celebrated their win by spiking the football (as shown on tv). The second race would have been hilarious to watch since one of the Buffalo Jill's had received her first swimming lesson just days before the competition. Finally, round 3 consists of "Know your NFL." This time the girls had to Bring It On in a 90 second relay where they must match the 32 NFL logos to the team names. Both the Jills and the Vikings matched all the teams, but the Jills did it 10 seconds faster for the big WIN.

Once again the Bears logo was trouble for the ladies from Philly and Houston, which is quite surprising considering the logo is a "C" as in Chicago. I can't imagine how that one was overlooked.

Eagles 1, Terrell Owens 0

The chorus of boos and "O.D." chanting is exactly what we were expecting to hear as Terrell Owens arrived back at the Linc for the first time as a Dallas Cowboy. Even though #81 jerseys were burned in the pre-game parking lot and people brought signs that read "TO is for Terrorism," the very quiet receiver reports last night that it was not as bad as he expected. The Birds held Owens to 3 measely catches for only 45 yards and yet he still could not keep his mouth shut about Bledsoe while talking to the press. "You watched the game. Who's pulling the trigger?" was TO's response when asked if he was let down by Bledsoe's performance. Eagles' fans went home happy and TO went to CVS to refill his prescription. This is gonna be quite a fight for the NFC East Division title.

SUMMIN' IT UP IN 60 SECONDS

• Colts won their 7th in a row against Tennessee, maintaining their undefeated status
• Shut out in the endzone in his first four games as a pro, Reggie Bush returned a key punt for 65 yards with under 5 mins to lift the New Orleans to victory over Tampa Bay
• Matt Leinert's first NFL game as a starter started and ended fabulously but the Chiefs have Larry Johnson and his big play gave the Chief's another win.
• The Jets forgot to show up yesterday against the Jags and put up a big fat 0
• The Bears are 5-0 for the first time in 20 years
• Terrell Owens did nothing, which is no surprise, considering the Eagles defense sacked Bledsoe 7 times and created over 3 turnovers
• The Giants harassed Brunell into completing only 12 out of 22 passes for big division win against the Redskins.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

Looks like my guru is softening up, cant handle the idea of being 0-5 with his upset of the week picks. This week my brother-in-law has chosen the Oakland Raiders over the San Francisco 49ers. I personally do not think that this is much of an upset. This is basically Oakland's last chance to not be shut out for the season so they better step it up and give McGuru his first correct pick of the season.

If you win this weeks pick your grand prize is an all inclusive week in this Oakland Raiders bedroom. Double DD Cheerleaders not included.

60 SECOND STUDY SESSION

Its week of 5 of the 2006 season, time to really sharpen up your NFL expertise. Study up these few tidbits and you will be chattin up with the bosses at the water cooler in no time.

• Detroit hasnt won in Minnesota since 1997 and has lost 8 straight overall to the Vikings, um, yea, good luck!
• Patriots QB Tom brady average over 1 interception per game against the Dolphins.
• The TB Bucs are averaging an NFL worst 43.3 yards rushing through three games.
• Donovan McNabb is on pace for a 36 touchdown, four interception season.
• TO has caught 3 touchdowns against the Eagles in 5 career games totaling 307 yards.
• The 49ers have allowed the most points in the NFL (126)
• Denver has won 11 straight home games... so Baltimore better bring it!!!

NIK'S HOT PICKS OF THE WEEK

Place $100 on the Green 0 or 00

Philadelphia over Dallas

Indianapolis over Tennessee

Chicago over Buffalo

St. Louis over Green Bay

Place $50 on Red

Minnesota over Detroit

Carolina over Cleveland

Kansas City over Arizona

Jacksonville over Jets

New Orleans over Tampa Bay

New England over Miami

Your gonna need your money on red and black to win with these

San Diego over Pittsburgh

Baltimore over Denver

Oakland over San Fran

FOOTBALL 101

The Center- a key position on the offensive line

My grandmother requested that I post this picture above to indicate which position I am talking about. The center is the red dot. He squats over the ball and when the quarterback gives him the signal, he whips it up and holds it out between his legs just under his behind for the quarterback to grab. Talk about an awkward moment!


Actually, this guy does a heck of a lot more than that. He is the first line of defense for the quarterback. Theoretically, all a defender needs to do is leap-frog the center to be down the throat of the quarterback. This would be a bad thing. You never see this done, because these guys at center wouldn't be those guys at center if they were slow and wimpy enough to let that happen.


These guys are tough - think about it. There you are, squatting on the field, knowing the minute you shove that ball out of your behind, a 300-pound gorilla is going to come pounding in from a foot away with the intention of making a pancake out of you.


I wouldn't take the job!!

FANTASY FOOTBALL FLAVA OF THE WEEK

Donovan McNabb is back and better than ever. I am not just saying this because I am a Philadelphia Eagles Fan... the numbers say it all. Donovan has put up a total of 105 fantasy points so far this season and the next highest is Peyton Manning with only 79. On Monday Night against the Green Bay Packers, Donovan proved to the entire league that he can still run with the ball under pressure and that when he does run, he is one dangerous dude. With 5 carries for 47 yards Donovan takes home 2 TD's and a big win.


**This endorsement is not paid for by Campbell's Soup...


...but I certainly wish it was.

TERREL OWEN'S NEW CATCH

Supposedly Dallas Cowboy's receiver Terrel Owens has been dating actress Sanaa Lathan (pronounced Sinatra without the "tra") for some time now. Sanaa is an actress previously seen in the movie Love & Basketball (my fav movie!!!), The Best Man, and made a few appearances on the TV show Nip/Tuck. The word on the street is that they met through his publicist. There was a rumor floating around that Owens was engaged, but that is just a rumor and is probably over two months old by now.

PROJECT RUNWAY

Think Michael and Ulli could've designed a better NFL referee uniform than this?? Gone are the traditional vertical black-and-white stripes that have been a staple of the league seemingly since its inception and that live on in Foot Locker stores and DJ booths around the country. In their place is a flashier look that features wide white stripes and thin black stripes that flare around the shoulders and upper arms.

Before you decide whether or not you are a fan of the new look here is the "why" behind the change:

• lightweight, more efficient fabric that would be cooler in hot weather and warmer in cold weather


• the uniforms more easily accommodate the gear referees need to carry, which includes more layers of clothing in colder weather


• The third reason was to give the uniforms a more modern, updated, distinctly NFL look
  

What would Michael Kors and Nina Garcia think??

SUMMIN' IT UP IN 60 SECONDS

Eagles fumbled twice in the first half making Westbrook more and more valuable by the day. Luckily McNabb stepped up and had his first game with two running TD’s.

San Francisco suffered their biggest shutout in 49ers history while Tony Gonzalez extended his streak of games with at least one reception to 87... 4th longest streak among tight ends in NFL history.

There were 3 TD’s in the final 2 minutes and 34 seconds of the Indianapolis game. Can you believe the Jets could have won that game if it weren’t for a last minute fumble??

Arizona’s only score against Atlanta came on Adrian Wilson's team-record 99-yard interception return. Needless to say, Matt Leinhart will be starting next week for the Cardinals instead of oldie Kurt Warner.

Baltimore is still undefeated after they shut down Tomlinson and the San Diego Chargers.

Carolina won by the skin of their teeth and it was the third time in the past 10 years that New Orleans started out 3-0 but lost game No. 4.

Laurence Maroney made quite the appearance for New England in Cincinnati with two TD’s and the win.

I have no idea how this happened, but Washington beat Jacksonville. Must’ve been Santana Moss’s 3 TD’s that finally gave the Jaguars their first loss.

YEAH, BUT...

Did anyone's fantasy football team get screwed by the Eagles' last minute decision not to play Brian Westbrook last night? If so, you are not alone.

This week I had one of those fantasy football games that I had mentioned about a week ago... "a must win." This time I was playing my husband, who is not only the commissioner of the league, but he also started the season 3-0, with the most points scored in the entire league. I was up by 53 points going into last night's game but he had Brian Westbrook, Dante Stallworth, and LJ Smith. Could you tell he is an Eagles fan??

It was going to be a very close call (we were head to head all weekend) until the Eagles announced that Westbrook would not play. By this point it was too late for my husband to put another player in from his bench, so needless to say... I won! Normally I would scream and cheer, jump around the room, do whatever i have to do to rub it in. But this was more of a "Yeah, But" kind of win and those are so much less fun. Everytime i laugh or smirk to indicate that I am better at the sport of fantasy football then he is... he replies with, "Yeah, but if I had Westbrook in..."

It was a big win; we are both 3-1 now, but still, Andy Reid's last minute decision took out all the fun and glory.